Seventeen days and counting until I begin the trip that will, a few weeks later, land me in Oakland. And I certainly am counting.
I’m in a lull I haven’t felt since last year before I moved to Chicago. I’m totally disconnected from this city, from these people, even from myself. All I do is wait. Seventeen more days.
I’m ferociously excited about Oakland, yet dispassionate and motionless in these last days. I can barely find the desire to post on this blog.
I can’t shake the feeling that any investments I make now will be lost when I leave, and so I make no investments. It’s a terrible way to live, but ennui has claimed me, I am its victim.
For seventeen more days.
August 9th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
i move a lot too. Its both wonderful and troublesome. The its troublesome, because a society that is constantly in motion, is one that is often dissatisfied and not invested in the community. The result is the need for large chains (to fulfill our need for familiarity and comfort,) and the loss of local culture and uniqueness. Most importantly, it means that ppl are not willing to sacrifice and work on improving their community, people are not involved in creating quality comprehensive plans or neighborhood schools and households become isolated. On the individual level it forces oneto detach from the world around them, when it is our nature and our human need to build community and relationships.
August 9th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
This is where a practice of living mindfully helps. Notice how you are ending your time in Chicago…how do you leavetake? Notice the beauty AND pathos of your present environment. You are in transition…perhaps the most challenging state to be in…leaving, yet not quite there. It is also a practice…we are always in a process of birthing ourselves.
Be mindful as you let go. Be intentional about your goodbyes…to people and place. You are the ‘world’ you take with you wherever you go.
Please read TS Elliot’s Four Quartets again. I will too!
August 10th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
I felt the same way before I left. My desire to leave often outweighed my motivation to leave because of the familiarities I have with home. However, humans adapt incredibly easily and I have no doubt that you will make this transition, as you have your previous transitions–and that’s what they are–transitions, worthwhile and meaningful. Saying goodbye to the people I love and the places I’ve always known was hard at first but once you hit that open road man and you’re on your way to find IT, well shit, all that ennui and apathy disappears. I’m currently in Rawlins, WY, about twenty miles from the Continental Divide, halfway from my house to Novato, CA and I’m loving every minute of it. Sure, the car ride with my dad gets long but to see the country change from cow pastures and oak trees to open mountain plains and yellow grass is exhilarating enough to keep my occupied the entire time. Don’t bore yourself in your last few weeks. Do what you’ve always done and, if you’re not enjoying it, step back and say “Hey, this isn’t gonna be here in seventeen days. Might as well enjoy it while I can.” And if you can’t hack that, give me a call.