Here is an indisputable generalization: businessmen LOVE cappuccinos. If your travels have not yet revealed this to you, do not lament. Nobility is nowhere to be found amidst starched shirts, close shaves, and foamed milk. Those who have witnessed this spectacle will recognize it as a morbid curiosity. In attempting to understand it, we come to realize that the cappuccino is favored solely for its capacity to create an image of manliness.

Initially, this preference seems absurd, but we have to start with something. Let us assume that espresso is manly. Its bitter taste is an acquired one, and it contains a natural stimulant. This is allows the man to let other people know that he has been drinking his drink for a long time, and can handle the bitterness.

So espresso is manly. This means coffee is out of the question, though black–unsweetened might be manly enough. It also means lattes are out of the question, since they are mostly milk, and this covers up the taste of espresso resulting in a drink that is most certainly girly. Hot tea is clearly meant for yoga fanatics and pregnant women. Mochas and cocoa are for kids, and iced drinks… well, we don’t even have to talk about iced drinks.

So what’s left? Well, shit, Mr. Business, we overlooked some things. What about straight espresso? That’s manly. Or, if you must have foam, go with a macchiato and skip all the excess milk. Or what about a cortado, which still has more bite than cappuccino?

I had to consult with a friend who works at Metropolis in order to rule out these last few choices, because, upon first inspection, they appeared imminently more manly than a cappuccino. Here’s the breakdown: espresso shots and macchiatos are served in a demitasse, which is dainty and does not help the man convey an image of strength; cortados, on the other hand, have no foam. Foam is necessary because it allows the man to dominate his environment through physical manipulation, a feat not possible with a simple milk drink. ‘Cappuccino’ also contains more letters than any of the more girly drinks, which is a nice bonus for the man because–if his pronunciation is good–it affords him an air of sophistication.

And thus we have isolated the basic elements of manliness insofar as they concern cafe drinks. Espresso must be the central focus of the drink, to show that the man is both cultured and that he has been doing what he does for a long time. The mug must be at least somewhat large and therefore connotative of healthy endowment. There must be some foam on top so the man can use his spoon to scoop, swirl, or sip it thus firmly establishing that his dominion involves all of the cup, as well the subordinates with whom he has surrounded himself.

And so the manly man must drink a cappuccino.